Forum.RttP{The 85 Laws of Goth(Work in progress)}

I work on this list when it's late and I'm bored. Some of it's funny, alot of it's true.

The 86 Laws of Goth. (was 85)
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1. Be bi-curious if not gay.

2. Be "Goth".

3. Be depressing.

4. Be dark.

5. Be simultaneously depressing and dark if at all possible.

6. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious”.

7. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand in the darkest corner trying to look dark.

8. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.

9. Have every song on your album available for download on the net. This ensures that no
one will buy it.

10. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.

11. Fuzzy things are not Goth. (except when used as an assesory to your dominatrix
outfit.)

12. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too depressed to
do it.

13. Take out the garbage anyway.

14. Have at least one picture of the Virgin Mary in your room.

15. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes
'rare'.

16. If your out of ideas for a song, 6 minutes of silence always works. (Static also will
do)

17. Put a cross somewhere in your album cover and see rule #6.

18. Start a Goth Zine on-line and have no one read it.

19. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.

20. Attack anyone and everyone who is not open-minded.

21. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing more than two riffs.

22. a] put on more make-up than Boy George(be sure to add the little mole on your upper
lip). b] put in fangs. c] put on cape. d] turn out the lights. e] sit in front of computer
posting to all the Goth chat rooms how “dark” your band is.

23. Make jokes only your mom would get.

24. Memorize the Rocky Horror Picture Show and recite lines from it whenever possible.
See rule #1

25. When in doubt, role your eyes into the back of your head and look through your
eyebrows.

26. To producers of Goth albums: remember...all low end or all high end! If it has both, it
can't be "Goth".

27. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session"
members.

28. All project MUST be fronted by a woman (or a man who wants to be one).

29. All women must be BI. (see rule #1)

30. Never under any circumstances use a live drummer, unless he operates a drum
machine in which case you still refer to him as a “drummer/percussionist”.

31. Never play live.

32. Use barbed wire whenever possible on your album cover. (Note: this assists in being
both "depressing" and "dark".)

33. When asked by a non Goths what Goth is, say something like, "Goth is the raw
essence of my emotions", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other
person still has no idea what Goth is.

34. Wear nothing but black 24-7, White stripes and/or puffy undershirts are the only
exceptions.

35. Denounce that Goths always wear black 24-7.

36. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial
success.

37. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side
projects.

38. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.

39. Record everything in your home studio and call it something like “Organized Chaos
Studios”

40. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options
allowed: gray, black, white and red).

41. Put a pic from behind of a nude fat chick kneeling in an unlit room on the cover of
your album, titled “Love songs for the disillusioned” and say she’s on it because the pic
is “dark” and “depressing”.

42. Publicly state you are both two religions that have nothing to do with each other. i.e.
Christian/Pagan, Satanic/Wiccan, Jewish/Jahova’s Whiteness

43. Attack anyone who points out the above oxy-moron and say they are not
“open-minded” and therefore not “Goth”. See rule #20.

44. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it
did 9 friggin years ago.

45. Re-record your album after it’s released, add a song and release it with a different
title and call it a “new” album.

46. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "Goth".

47. When greeting a Goth chick, kissing Her hand like Lord Byron is required.

48. Always refer to her as “My Lady”.

49. All band names must make no sense. This is non-negotiable.

50. NEVER under any circumstances design a logo for your dark Goth band that has
anything to do with the name.

51. Draw your bands name on binder paper in the middle of math class.

52. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you really don't enjoy being
interviewed.

53. Thoroughly enjoy the Power-Puff Girls.

54. Thoroughly enjoy participating in L.A.R.P.

55. Memorize the movie “Quest For The Holly Grail” and recite lines whenever possible.

56. Deny that you are a “geek”

57. Own hundreds of Goth albums and demos. Listen to approximately 8 of them
regularly.

58. Have a girl dressed as the Virgin Mary in your video.

59. Use keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet :-).

60. Why haven’t you started reading “Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe” yet? Get going!

61. Contemplate moving to Vancouver to be with the “Major Goth Scene”.

62. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from New York City and therefore
‘Goth'.

63. You must read all the works of Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!?
Geek. Wait a minute... It appears I am the Geek!”

64. Fuck, I'm talking to myself again.

65. Never create inverted crosses in public, save that for the Black Metal kids.

66. Deny Type O Negative has any roots in Goth

67. Own at least one Type O Negative album

68. Deny you actually listen to it.

69. Make references to the bible whenever someone brings up religion.

70. When arguing with a christian tell them you are “Pagan”.

71. When arguing with a Pagan Male, Deny that you believe in organized religion. (See
rule #6.)

72. Never argue with a Pagan Female, instead, tell her you’re a Pagan beginner and want
her to be your teacher. Especially about skyclad rituals and the Great Rite.

73. In fact, become whatever religion the chick you are trying to pick-up is.

74. Always use your girlfriend on your album as a session vocalist.

75. Start a webring for Goth bands in hopes it will bring your band popularity.

76. List all the bands you think you sound like in the “Special Thanks to:” in you album
cover and make people think you know these bands personally.

77. Are you Goth enough to be reading this?

78. Own every Christian Death release. Listen to exactly none of them.

79. Attempt to randomly throw in a woman moaning during random segments of your
songs. Tell everyone is gives it an erotic feel even though it sounds like a cat being killed
once your home studio gets done with it.

80. In order to make your recording more Mysterious and therefore more "Goth", be sure
to select a singer who always whines when he sings like The Cure or Christian Death.
Bad English accent is required.

81. Post on your band’s website that you have merchandise when you have yet to even
hold so much as a sticker in your hand.

82. Blood and sculls are in no way Goth, but still have them somewhere on your bands
website.

83. Attack anyone and everyone who shops at Hot Topic.

84. Buy over half your clothes at Hot Topic.

85. Still play the RPG game, “vampire” even though you’re an adult. (bonus points if you
think you really are one.)

86. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been reading
“Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe”? For shame! For shaaaaame!!